Accountability is the cornerstone of authentic and inspirational leadership; it entails taking 100-percent responsibility for your attitude, actions, decisions and the health of your relationships. It requires vulnerability, humility and integrity. Today, it is less common to find high levels of accountability since many people view these qualities as signs of weakness. I believe they are just the opposite.
Rather than hold themselves truly accountable, many people use deflection to shrug off responsibility and pin poor performance and decision making on someone or something else. Deflection may sound something like this:
• “I was distracted and busy; I couldn’t help that I didn’t really listen to you.”
• “I didn’t mean to go behind your back; I thought you already knew what I was thinking.”
• “It’s not my fault that I’m late; you didn’t give me enough notice.”
We should not tolerate this type of behavior from ourselves and from those around us, so how do you deal with a person who deflects all the time?
Bring the focus back to the person
Try saying something like this:
• “I hear what you’re saying, but let’s talk about what you can control.”
• “I understand that you’re not the only person involved in this, but right now I’d like to focus on your part.”
• “I recognize that I have a role in this too, but right now I would like to talk about how your actions make me feel.”
This tactic acknowledges that there are extenuating circumstances to every situation that may deserve further examination and it shifts the conversation toward accountability, which is where solutions can be derived.
Give honest and direct feedback
The deflector may not realize how often he or she exhibits the behavior, and with a little coaching, could change the habit. Show you care by courageously giving feedback. Have a few concrete examples prepared and say something like this: “May I share some feedback? I’ve noticed that anytime we discuss the issues with this project, you shift the blame to someone else. For example, when you say things like, ‘This project was handed to me like this’ or ‘I wasn’t part of the team when that happened,’ it makes you sound unaccountable and undermines your credibility as a leader and team player. I know that this is not how you want to be perceived, so that’s why I wanted to bring it up. Were you aware that you’ve been doing this? Do you need to get something off your chest?”
Ignore the blame game and find a solution
There are times when you just need to move past the “What happened and who did it?” phase to the “How are we going to fix it?” phase. While shifting gears without addressing the deflection doesn’t solve the issue, it can be more productive than getting the other person to accept responsibility. But even in those times where giving feedback in the moment doesn’t make sense, circle back to have the conversation. No one can improve without candid feedback, and we shouldn’t be fearful of giving it.
Don’t take things the blamer says personally
Dealing with deflectors can be frustrating, but remember: Their blaming is not about you, even if it feels like it. Try limiting your interaction; habitual blaming can be a form of narcissism, and most narcissists have no interest in changing because they don’t think they are doing anything wrong.
On the flip side
If you find yourself being a chronic deflector, remember: There is nothing more honorable than accepting responsibility for your actions and decisions. Do not be afraid to admit your role. Show gratitude and compassion when others admit their own faults. As American writer Ralph Marston said, “Concern yourself more with accepting responsibility than with assigning blame. Let the possibilities inspire you more than the obstacles discourage you.”
For more information, contact Kerry Siggins at kerry.siggins@stoneage tools.com. To read her blog, visit kerry siggins.com/blog.